I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
