She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
