you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
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The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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