My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
