this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
