i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize