i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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