I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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