i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
