True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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