best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize