i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
