mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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