So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
