Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
