You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I didn't notice because vodka
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You are a genius and a whore.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
