the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You're like the curious george of whores
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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