Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
