Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
