I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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