Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
