I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
