I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
