you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
