is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
