my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
