its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
