Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Randomize
