My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
