she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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