Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
