apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
