and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
