Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
