she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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