...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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