I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
