Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
