I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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