just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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