Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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