I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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