but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
