I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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