i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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