ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
