My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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