Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need water and some morals
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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