Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
