Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
