i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
