I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
