I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
