Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
