Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
