i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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