i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
