I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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