just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
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Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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