i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
