I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
