She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
