Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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