Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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